There is a point in every race when I doubt if I can keep going. A voice comes on in my head, usually at the point in time when I feel least able to handle it, questioning whether I’ve got enough to keep pushing on.
Recently, in lockdown, I feel as though I'm at mile 18 of a marathon.
It’s no longer the very start of the race when I’m feeling excited and nervous, knowing that there is about to be an undefined period of time when things will feel uncomfortable but still feeling positive that I will overcome what comes my way.
It’s no longer those first five miles when I’m warming up my legs to the possibility of 26.2 miles and five miles feels remarkably easy.
It’s no longer even that half marathon mark where I know I’m now halfway and can take stock. Because with lockdown there is no halfway mark, we went straight into mile 18 where my mind cannot quite process how much time has gone by or how much might be left. It’s all a bit ambiguous and the only real certainty is that it has been a while and my legs are now feeling it.
Having reached the 18-mile mark a few times, it’s a feeling I’m familiar with. There tends to be a level of desperation and I am no longer thinking straight. I may have already convinced myself to keep going a few times by this point, and it is the point in a race where the level of doubt is at its highest.
The thing I always keep in mind is that it is only a matter of time. The race is going to end at some point. Whether that point is sooner because I keep up my pace, or a bit later, because I have slowed down, it will inevitably come as long as I keep moving forwards. I am always stronger than I feel when I reach mile 18.
It makes sense though. The miles have taken their toll. My legs are dead-weights. My perspective is lost. And it really gets down to the very basics: 1) I need to find a distraction; and 2) I need to stop thinking negative thoughts.
My favorite form of distraction in a race is to play one of my favorite songs. I have a few that I tend to listen to towards the end of a run, when I am digging deep, and I pull them out again at this stage in a race because hearing that song is a reminder of all those previous times I’ve managed to find strength to keep pushing on. There's something nice to the familiarity of it all, of remembering that I have felt this way before and I have gotten through it.
When I hear my voice of self-doubt in a race, I push it out of my head. It’s my race mentality and one that I am trying to apply more to everyday life. I have a rule to not think negative thoughts during a race. Sometimes this means my mind is completely blank. I push negative thoughts straight out of my head, telling myself I can revisit them once the race is done.
Right now, in lockdown, I am stuck at mile 18 searching for the advice I always give myself at this stage. It’s too far to begin a countdown and with the recent government announcements it feels like the mileposts are going to keep moving so there is no point in looking out for the next one. The only thing I can do is remember that I’ve been here before and it is only a matter of time before that long awaited finish line appears. It’s just, in this race, my pace won’t affect when that line appears, so I need to find a sustainable speed that I feel comfortable with. There might be miles when I need to spend more time at the water station. And there might be miles when I feel like an Olympian. Every day is going to be different, but the mentality of moving forwards remains the same - each day is a step closer to that finish line wherever it will be.
